CocoaMamas.Com

raising cocoa children in a bittersweet world

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

   My four year old precocious, bright, funny, gorgeous son… is a pimp.

Ok maybe not in the 1970s Blaxploitation sense.. but he definitely brings all the girls to the yard. I recently escorted him on a school trip (he struggles with anxiety issues still) and I watched as the little girls clamored to be his line partner. A line partner holds your hand when you walk two-by-two down the street. When we got to the theatre, there was beef over who would sit next to him. One girl started crying. Then, on Valentine's Day, he comes home with this:

""

I think he got the most Valentines of all the boys in class.

Why the title of this blog? He's just like his father, already lol All the women trying to achieve that number one spot. I joke about it, of course, because he is only 4. But it does make my mind run wild.

I came to a point where I began to question if I wanted his father, as the man he is/was, to be the one influencing and shaping his idea of manhood. I have not, and do not, consider his father a good role model in terms of how he should treat women or carry himself as a man. I'm not interested in bashing him, but essentially, our marriage fell apart because he is a liar and a cheater. He is also raising my son with one of the many women he cheated on me with.

How do I explain that to my son as he gets older? How does his father do that with a straight face? How do you teach your son to be a man when the man he should be modeling himself after doesn't even know how to be one? How do I teach my son to do opposite of everything his father has done with women?

I'm scared… I guess. I'm scared my son will end up just like his father in that regard. That he'll become a man who lies, cheats, and is abusive. That he will come to accept that mistreating women is ok so long as his own selfish needs are taken care of. How does his father teach him to be the opposite of him? Isn't that hypocritical? What lies will he be told when he starts asking questions about why we aren't together and how he ended up with the new woman? Will that lead to my son resenting his father? I don't want that to happen.

Boys are rather protective of their mothers. My ex even had issues with his own father for the way he treated his mother and other women in his life. It is helpful to note, my ex is just like HIS father (with regard to the whole womanizing, lying, cheating, thing).  Hell, my own dad was a womanizer who lied and cheated and was abusive.  It is not far-fetched to believe my son has a good chance of ending up the same way; it's in his DNA.

And yet, I am letting him have primary care-giving responsibility. Am I over-thinking this or am I justified in having this concern?

Black men and women are struggling when it comes to relationships. Every statistic out there reinforces this idea. The key is to raise our children better, provide them with better examples of how to be. How can we do that when we're not doing the best ourselves? Black children need more positive examples of loving, successful relationships, not based on deception and lies, but on truth, love, respect, honor. Too many baby mamas and daddies caught up in vicious cycles of hate and antagonism. Not enough strong, solid foundations from which they can learn how to be strong Black men and women.

Your thoughts?

About Benee

Bio-Mother to Garvey Xavier, 3, and Step-Mother to Janniyah Denise, 7. Currently divorcing, trying to navigate the world being newly single, but still a devoted mother. I think a lot. I talk a lot. I love being a mother... a lot. :)

5 comments on “The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

  1. mrworf510
    April 2, 2012

    I think that you might be over thinking this a little. My nephew (just turned 6) has been a bit of a flirt since he was two. He learned early on that if he would smile and say “Hi!” that most of the time women of all ages would say hello back and give him attention. Soon he was trying to attract attention from all women no matter what their age. Only the attractive ones. I didn’t teach him that and his father doesn’t see him that much to have that kind of effect on him.

    It could be in his genes but who knows.

    There’s a lot of elements of relationships that are changing significantly. By the time your son grows up, they will be the norm. One of those is the concept of marriage. There is less emphasis on marriage and more on having moderate length relationships. This is happening world wide already.

    • CWD
      April 21, 2012

      THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADDLE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD..ITS NEVER TOO SOON TO TEACH ONE’S SON WHAT HIS RESPONSIBILTY IS BEING A MAN VS. BEING A MALE

  2. KJ
    April 2, 2012

    My very radical response to your conundrum about relations among Black men and women is we cannot control another person. Though my mama told me this all my life, in my 20’s I still stumbled and choked every time someone I was dating choose to do something I disagreed with; i.e. decided to cheat and lie to me so they could be with another person. In one shocking instance, my male lover lied about having been with a male colleague of mine.

    This last instance did not make me stumble. Actually, I realized I had heard my mother’s message all along. I wasn’t shaken, nor did I fall. Instead I moved forward and let it and him go in the direction of his desires. In that very instance, I too was liberated.

    People come here to fulfill their destiny, and we as black women have to know this and teach our daughters, and sons. Lead with love so that when people make choices we disagree with can send them on their way with love, and love ourselves in the meantime. That way we become the love we seek.

  3. Charles
    April 7, 2012

    IF I MY BE SO BOLD TO GIVE YOU ADVICE…WHAT REALLY ATTRACTED YOU TO YOUR BABY’s dady..I’VE witness WOMEN OF QUALITY THROW PEARLS TO SWINE..ARE YOU TEACHING YOUR SON TO VALUE WOMEN..A LITTLE THING LIKE OPENING DOORS, GIVING UP YOUR SEAT AT A EARLY AGE CAN IMPRINT THAT WOMEN ARE SPECIAL..HOW DO YOU REFER TO OTHER WOMEN IN YOUR SON’S PRESENCE…AND FOR GOD’S SAKE DESTROY THE MYTH THAT A PIMP IS ANY THING BUT A VILE CREATURE NOT WITHSTANDING ARE PATHOLOGICAL ATTEMPT TO ROMANIZE A PARASITE..TEACH HIM TO GIVE, SERVE,RESPECT AND HONOR OTHERS FIRST…IN YOUR HANDS SISTER IS THE FUTURE.. SOUNDS DAUNTING..I THINK NOT..LOVE

  4. Remy
    May 24, 2012

    All men and women are struggling when it comes to relationships.

    All children need more positive examples.

    I think your concern is founded… children learn by example.

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This entry was posted on April 1, 2012 by in childrearing.
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