Let us discuss sleep.
Critical to our physical and mental well-being, sleep is a very important process when it comes to continuing health. Sleep is a natural restorative cycle. It allows the body to rest and properly regenerate itself. So that the body can continue to function appropriately.
You don’t know what restorative means? You can’t understand regenerate?
Well, if you want me to be nice to you, to be overjoyed to see you, to give you loves and tickles and rainbows all day, to happily drive you around from about 8 am to 6 pm, five days a week, and provide you with at least three meals and several dozen snacks of a wide and nutritious variety, let me sleep.
If you want me to read you Ricky Ricotta’s Mighty Robot vs. the Mutant Mosquitoes from Mercury at least once and possibly several times—in a row—without rolling my eyes, barfing or losing my mind, let me sleep.
If you want me to listen to one hundred and four rather unfunny variations of:
Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Let me sleep!
And just so we’re clear: By “sleep” I mean a solid 6, 7 or even 8 (*gasp*) hours of me, lying in a reclining position, covered with some form of a blanket. In the dark. And quiet. With my eyes closed.
Here’s what sleep isn’t:
If I’m fetching you anything, even water, at 2 am, I’m not asleep.
If we’re hugging, I’m not asleep.
Conversation of any kind means I’m not asleep.
If I’m freezing cold and have no blankets because you’ve decided you’re sweating and the covers must be kicked off, it is quite likely I’m not asleep.
And if you’re using your cute little chubby fingers to force up my eyelids, then I’m definitely not asleep.
I’m sure you’ve noticed but not sleeping makes me bitter. It also makes me look ragged and that makes me really bitter because then I don’t just look tired—I look tired and old.
So … either sleep—without moving, talking or doing the macarena—or go back to your own bed.
Or even better, you stay here with your dad and I will go sleep in your bed. Alone.