I’m not even sure I can write a coherent post today. But even I, the founder of this blog, have been late and missing writing because of the things going on in my life, so today I am going to just write what’s in my heart and pray it makes some sense to some body.
There is just so much going on in the world –
mid-term elections, bomb plots from Yemen, cholera in Haiti, Twitter debates about whether MJ or Prince is a better singer (you know who wins that! *looking at Benee*) –
and in my personal life –
my son’s preschool teacher recommending occupational therapy, my waiting to hear if the abnormal cells on my cervix caused by a high risk strain of HPV that I didn’t know I had are something to worry about, the disgraced pastor at my church starting his own ministry 10 months after his announcement of his “moral failure” –
that I am finally starting to not know the difference between up and down, left and right. And this sense of disorientation was made even more salient to me when, on Halloween night, I had a moment of vertigo, lost my sense of space, and fainted into the wall at a friends house after gobbling down some oh so sweet and sour Lemonheads.
I’m tired, beat down, a little broken, a bit shattered, but completely surrendered. They say religion is the opiate of the masses, and I’ve been smoking a lot. A few weeks back, we officially joined the church we’ve been attending for the last few years. Why we hadn’t joined before then, I can’t truthfully say. Something was certainly holding me back, perhaps the lack of political activism at the church, I don’t know. But recently I’ve found that I don’t care about that stuff, as far as the church goes. I go to church because it is the one place where I feel I can be completely unburdened.
Every Sunday morning, during the time where we sing worship songs, there comes a moment where we can come to the altar and pray. Every Sunday, I take that walk, and kneel, placing my hands at what I imagine to be Jesus’s feet. And I pray. Sometimes I follow along with the person praying at the microphone, saying Amen at the appropriate times, or sometimes I am silent, after first asking the Lord to search my heart and mind for He knows what I want and need before I even stepped foot in the sanctuary that morning. Other times I pray aloud, usually through a waterfall of tears, laying each and every thing that has plagued my body, mind, and spirit over the past week, asking him to take it, asking him to remind me that I can’t do it on my own, and could never do it on my own. Asking him to once again take control of my life.
It may be a total placebo effect. While I believe there is a God and a Jesus who loves me with a love that is unfathomable and can carry my burdens so that I don’t have to and that knowledge makes me feel so grateful and so light, I can concede that it might not be true. I don’t care.
Because right now, it gets me through my day. Belief is enough for me. And I’m believing about something happening right now, not something in the future. I can feel the burdens lifting right now, and I’m not waiting for them to be lifted – they already are. I believe that whatever is happening, there is something for my good in it, and I have to be open and surrendered enough to see it.
This is a huge breakthrough for me. For now I am quiet and contemplative. And I’m waiting. Waiting to see what will happen. But not anxiously waiting, more just like…living. And I’m not afraid, although I am tired and hungry, sometimes in pain. I’m sharing this because I’m open.
Not only has Christianity taught me this, but yoga too. My yogi tea said today:
“When ego is lost, limit is lost. You become infinite, kind, beautiful.”
CocoaMamas 
Thank you for this. I read it scarfing down my first meal of the day…in between appointments at CAPS. I did a drive by/drop in appointment. I went in this morning because I walked by…and it was convenient. I asked the woman if they do drop in’s she said “If it’s an emergency”. Very calmly I looked at her, dead in the eye and asked “So how do you define emergency. Does one need to be having suicidal ideations?” (Cause I’m not..way too far gone for that…) Carefully, she walked over…perhaps the stillness of my aura threw her off. Perhaps, the image of this Black chick in a lumumba shirt, dred loks everywhere, backpack on one shoulder, and folders and books in one arm hugged close to her body shook her up. But she came over and gave me an appointment. It was what it was. I explained to Dr. Therapist that therapy works well i would imagine for people who are closed, have trust and intimacy issues, who aren’t OPEN. but me? I’ll stand in the middle of times square with a bullhorn turning myself inside out, bloodied, scarred, and broken, i will put myself in the spotlight. But I admitted: i’m out of ideas. So take your best shot. in 20 minutes I go back for a “medical evaluation”. I don’t know what will come of it all, cause I like you, am surprisingly calm- surrendered, having NO IDEA what the next hours let alone days will bring… And I’m ok with that. No self immolation, no self-denigration, no shoulda coulda wouldas. It is what it is. And I am what I AM….
Namaste!
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It’s like the ego knows when its time has come to its end. It can either fight and struggle for its survival, or let go. My divine bows to the divine in you…namaste!
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There is something extremely admirable about laying out your heart and emotions as you’ve done in this piece. You are certainly not alone in feeling this way, but probably alone is admitting and sharing it to enrich our own lives. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your piece and gained much from it. It’s well written too. Thanks.
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Namaste to you, LaToya, and you, Salina. This is not an easy walk to walk.
At these times in my life, I’ve found “When things fall apart” to be of great comfort and help. Maybe you already know it. It’s by an American woman (Pema Chadron) who converted to Buddhism after her marriage fell apart. It’s in-the-trenches buddhist principles and it echoes so much of what you both have already said. My favorite quote in the book is something like “only by opening yourself to annihilation can you find the truth.” It really feels like that sometimes.
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Julia – Salina and I know Pema well! And that quote is also my favorite from the book. I first read it when I checked myself into the hospital a year ago. “The Places That Scare You” is the one by her that I am reading now. It rings so true, however, that I have been reading it for nearly 6 months now. I can only bear a few pages at a time, it hits that deep.
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I started a reply to your post the other day and never even sent it. Such is my life lately. I hope that you are feeling better. I am going to check out the Pema. I don’t even know how to spell Namaste. 😦
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And I think the “When Things Fall Apart” quote is nuanced like: “Only through exposing your self to annihilation over and over again can you find what is truly indestructible in you.” That is so true. I’ve been battered, but I’m still here!
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You know Pema! So cool! You’re the only people I’ve ever met who know Pema….. And, yes, that is the line that gets me. (although I also really love the story about running at the dogs…)
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