stranger than fiction

I’ve been bit.

One of these Cocoamamas has gotten me bit by the writing bug, and it’s sucking me like a mosquito. It’s kind of annoying because I can’t think of anything else and I cannot get rid of it. It’s turning into a life of its own, with my right brain drifting to book ideas (short stories or novel?), creating sentences, experimenting with first and third person, wondering what’s going to happen next.

And I love it.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I’ve always wanted to be a lot of things. I’ve always wanted to be a singer. And a dancer. A piano player. A professor. At one point a poet, and a scientist. A fashionista. A mom and a wife. But the only thing I’ve done consistently well is write. I suppose 20 years (wow) of formal education tends to make that an inevitable destiny.

But never fiction. Good fiction is hard to write. Bad fiction is painful to read. The project started as a memoir, but that idea was scrapped early. Too many things to include, too many people to hurt. And a life that is a bit unbelievable.

Because seriously, and bear with me for just a moment as I make this point, how many other black women do you know who have two children, pursuing a joint degree at one of the top universities in the country, who also suffers from bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia? And I say this NOT to point out anything extraordinary about myself, b/c these things are not, and that’s really not my point, but to say that my actual life is too strange to make a good story.

Recently I read a draft of something where a character flashes back to a scene as a child where she was the only 6-yr-old to stuff cake in her mouth while all the other children ate “properly”. And it immediately struck me as false because I don’t know any 6-yr-olds that are so proper to drape a napkin across their lap and use their fork, nor did it strike me as believable that she would be the ONLY kid out of place. Yet, it was a true story. And while I know that truth is often strange, it sometimes just doesn’t work in a story, because it’s too strange. It just doesn’t SOUND true.

I don’t want to write a story about me, because I am strange. When I told people I was going to California, 9 months pregnant with an 18 month old to start a joint JD/PhD, people looked at me like I was crazy. And I was. “Normal,” real, sane people don’t do that. When I spent a week on the psych unit and then started the next quarter, finished my qualifying paper before my deadline, everyone told me how strong I was. I didn’t feel strong. I was scared to be home by myself. And I guess that can be a story but it’s too much, too much drama for one person to be real. And I don’t want to write a story about perseverance, or strength, or any of that stuff. I don’t even know how my story, the story of my life, ends. It might not be about any of those things.

I want to write a story about mental illness and family and friends and being scared and not knowing how things are going to turn out. But to make it believable, I need to change the truth. Ramp it down some. It can’t be about me.

4 thoughts on “stranger than fiction

  1. A couple of thoughts but first, I’m really excited for you. What an adventure and who knows what strange and wondrous lands it may lead you to.

    One, I wanted to tell you that for reasons that have usually been well beyond me, whenever I’ve tried to chart my course and stay on path, life has laughed me off the road. It’s gotten easier to just go with it. To accept.

    Two, that I tried to write for many years about other things but the only story anyone was ever really interested in was mine. So I guess what I’m saying is: I’m excited about your fiction, understand you don’t want to write about you, be prepared for life to tell you otherwise.

    Can’t wait to see how it all unfolds. I, for one, am putting my money on you.

    Like

    1. The fiction is mine, just not all the way me. I’m having to change things, but you’re right – it’s still essentially my story. But it’s nice to have the latitude in fiction to change some things that even I don’t believe really happened.

      Like

  2. I don’t know if your actual story is not believable. Authenticity comes not so much from the details of the story, but from the way in which it’s delivered. If you can get to the truth of why things happened a certain way in your life–your relationships with others, your relationship with you self, what was really going on in your personal development, good and bad, that led to the decisions you made–and deliver that truth in a genuine manner, then it’s believable. Crazy circumstances are crazy; but what makes it believable is if people can relate to all the emotional stuff that was going on underneath it, no?

    In any event, whether you write fiction or not, good luck! Sounds like a fun project!

    Like

  3. I can’t say anything much but “I’m right there with you” lol

    Finally found something to write about, for real for real this time. So I’mma give it a go.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s