Good Night and Good Luck

Let us discuss sleep.

Critical to our physical and mental well-being, sleep is a very important process when it comes to continuing health. Sleep is a natural restorative cycle. It allows the body to rest and properly regenerate itself. So that the body can continue to function appropriately.

You don’t know what restorative means? You can’t understand regenerate?

Well, if you want me to be nice to you, to be overjoyed to see you, to give you loves and tickles and rainbows all day, to happily drive you around from about 8 am to 6 pm, five days a week, and provide you with at least three meals and several dozen snacks of a wide and nutritious variety, let me sleep.

If you want me to read you Ricky Ricotta’s Mighty Robot vs. the Mutant Mosquitoes from Mercury at least once and possibly several times—in a row—without rolling my eyes, barfing or losing my mind, let me sleep.

If you want me to listen to one hundred and four rather unfunny variations of:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

Let me sleep!

And just so we’re clear: By “sleep” I mean a solid 6, 7 or even 8 (*gasp*) hours of me, lying in a reclining position, covered with some form of a blanket. In the dark. And quiet. With my eyes closed.

Here’s what sleep isn’t:

If I’m fetching you anything, even water, at 2 am, I’m not asleep.

If we’re hugging, I’m not asleep.

Conversation of any kind means I’m not asleep.

If I’m freezing cold and have no blankets because you’ve decided you’re sweating and the covers must be kicked off, it is quite likely I’m not asleep.

And if you’re using your cute little chubby fingers to force up my eyelids, then I’m definitely not asleep.

I’m sure you’ve noticed but not sleeping makes me bitter. It also makes me look ragged and that makes me really bitter because then I don’t just look tired—I look tired and old.

So … either sleep—without moving, talking or doing the macarena—or go back to your own bed.

Or even better, you stay here with your dad and I will go sleep in your bed. Alone.

Good night.


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13 thoughts on “Good Night and Good Luck

  1. 7:02 a.m. Saturday morning

    Garvey: “Mommy!! Can I watch Nick Jr.?!!! Please!!!”

    Me: “Turn on the TV. You know how”

    zzzzzz

    7:05 a.m.

    Garvey: “Mommy, I have to pee!”

    Me: “Go to the bathroom. You know how”

    zzzz

    7:07 a.m.

    Garvey: “Mommy, can I have some juice, please?”

    Me: “Go in the fridge and get it. You know how”

    7:08 a.m. (from the kitchen)

    Garvey: “MOOOMMMMMYYYYYYY can I have some cereal?!?! Please?!?!”

    Me: *shoot forgot to leave the cereal out* “I’m coming, I’m coming”

    He does not understand or respect the value of my sleep.
    He almost always climbs into my bed in the middle of the night. Funny though, during the week I wake up before him, on weekends he wakes up before me. Dammit man!!

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    1. Benee: I wonder if someday we’ll miss it all, including the sleep deprivation. I’m seriously cracking up about the “forgot to leave the cereal out.” I set the table, put out the bowls, spoons, napkins, place the cereal box strategically and make sure the milk is front and center and visible.

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  2. LOL. This is a great piece! I soooo remember those days. Let me tell you something – sleepless nights turn into non-stop phone calls about the latest (insignificant but life changing to them) drama moments from your young adult children! SLEEP – does it ever feel the same after kids?

    ps-how come that blog doesn’t have a “share” button? no me likely that.

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    1. I have a feeling the young adult children might be even more detrimental to our sleep–just in different ways. I told my girl the other day: I know I’m always tripping over you but I have a feeling I will remember it happily someday.

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  3. I so need to get on the cereal already on the table bandwagon. And the cable box already on Nick Jr. so all they have to do is turn on the TV. I swear my kids be knocking on my head in my dreams…

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    1. Thats what I do, but he also knows its channel 123 and knows how to press 123 just in case I forget. But then, this is a kid who is teaching himself how to play spades on my phone and knows how to turn on the computer, go to youtube, and surf for michael jackson videos, so…. *shrug* lol

      I guess that makes it all the more frustrating. He is capable of so much, but he just feels that if he is awake, so should everyone else be awake. Even this morning, I found myself BEGGING for more sleep. I was literally whining like I was his age “Pleaseeeee let Mommy sleep some more”

      Not happening.

      He kicked me in all my private areas. Who can sleep after that?

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  4. One more: If I am rocking, patting, or nursing YOU to sleep, I am not asleep. Great post; it made me laugh out loud!

    I am both encouraged that every other mother I know is not getting any sleep…and discouraged that every other mother I know is not getting any sleep! I always imagined there’d be a day where she could quietly get out of her bed, and peacefully join us in her bed, with barely an interruption to my 9 hours. Guess not!

    But yes, I do think one day we’ll all look back and miss it…

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  5. LaToya: Serious lols about the “karate chop.” And ORJ: I remember when my daughter was a baby, I had developed this very complex technique of sleeping on my side with a boob exposed so we could simultaneously nurse (her) and sleep (me). Alas, those days passed rather quickly.

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