i know i’m not supposed to talk about this but . . .

it used to be a really hot topic. even without picking up glamour magazines with “sex secrets” and “statistics” women, and in particular i mean my girl’s and I, used to talk about “it.” i’m afraid that because i’m married now (and have been for the last three years) and because i am 30 and because i’m a scholar (and because that means i’m only supposed to write about “Serious” topics), and because i have three kids and the majority of my friends are still single (even though that use to mean that we could talk about it), i may never get this out again . . .

i miss sex. it’s not that i don’t have it anymore but i really do think it’s true what they say about marriage and kids, once you do both, you just don’t do “it” that much anymore. i hate to sound like one of my kids but boooo whoooooo. this is so unlike me.

this won’t be a long one ladies, because somewhere in the rational part of my mind I am well aware that Internet publishing about my personal sex life is probably academic career suicide. However, I really wish I had some answers for how married CocoaMamas get “it” done?

11 thoughts on “i know i’m not supposed to talk about this but . . .

  1. Girl. Gurl. Guuurrrllllll. Damn, I have a lot to say on this topic. Like you, I feel I should keep this short and sweet. Let’s see if I can.

    1. Frequency sucks after kids. If we get “it” done 2x a week I feel like that’s a successful week. Sometimes I get to Friday, and realize that “it” hasn’t happened that week, and I’m like, damn, gotta get “it” in. That’s what I think. Most of the time, the thought comes….and then goes. Better luck next week.

    2. But it’s not just about frequency, is it? The over all “flavor” of “it” has changed. Mommy and sex kitten just don’t go together. While men seem to have little problem letting go, climbing on top of the headboard and getting “it” in for real while my children are kinda asleep 25 feet away is difficult. When we went away for our anniversary, 3 nights without kids, I mean…damn. Two, 3 times a day. And it was good, reckless, abandoned. But how often does that happen??

    I’m about to have 2.5 weeks, at home, with my husband, without my kids. And I am soooooooo ready.

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  2. Wow! I would kill for 2X a week. We also promised ourselves when we got married that we would go away for our anniversary. That lasted for the honeymoon and the first anniversary only. I could really use a vacation.

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  3. The obstacle of utter and complete exhaustion aside (is ANY mother of young children sleeping as well as they did before baby arrived???) , LaToya brings up a great point about the conflict of being a Mommy and a sex kitten. I’ve thought a lot about this, and particularly about performing the role of the latter. And my conclusion is just that: it’s a performance, and for many of us, an inauthentic one at that. It’s fun and easy to play the role when you have no kids, get all the sleep you need, and have no marital conflicts centered on the division of child care (or, get a brief reprieve from all of that on vacation!). But after children, it’s just not fun to play that role anymore. With everything else that’s going on, it’s too hard to muster up enthusiasm for the play. Which, maybe, is a good thing, as it can force us to be more comfortable with who we are sexually (not everybody wants to swing off the chandelier, no matter how much fun Samantha makes it look like), and more authentic in our sexual encounters with our partners.

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    1. “But after children, it’s just not fun to play that role anymore. ”

      Whereas I disagree with this but do so understanding Im an anamoly. I’m not a sex kitten. I’m a freaking LIONESS LOL

      Sex is extremely important to me and was to us. For me, I wasnt playing any role; its who I was. In fact, reconciling the fact that I felt happy being a dirty little whorish housewife and now being someone’s mama caused me conflict MANY a day. Some days I couldnt even kiss my baby on the mouth LOL

      But notice, I aint stop what I was doing though….

      I just think it comes down to personality, priorities, needs, wants, etc. If you wanna bone, you will bone.

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  4. Ok Im not married anymore, but if there was one thing we DID do right, it was sex. WHEWWWWWWWW. Like rabbits in heat I tell you. But we’re both fire signs (aries & Leo) and very passionate about physical things. So we had no problems in that department. We also spiced it up with things like trips to sex/swing clubs, using toys, making videos, doing it in public, etc.

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  5. Damn yall got me feeling bad. We’d go in the bathroom and close the door to sneak a freak. We’d take turns putting the kids back to bed if they interrupted us. We’d get it in along the highway if necessary LOL

    4-5 x a week was our average.

    So ummm you KNOW I’m dying right now

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  6. I don’t want to hang from the chandelier, but I sure would not mind accidentally bumping into it now and then 🙂 I disagree that becoming a mom should alter your sex life at all. Kudos Benee for being so out the box in your marriage.

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  7. I also feel like I am a sex kitten authentically – I like sex naturally, and the mom thing is what gets in the way. I think that is most clear when I’m on vacation and I can’t get enough! It is a performance to a certain extent, but I like playing it, I like feeling sexy.

    I really think that we should make sex a priority in our marriages. It’s really important for men to have sex with their wives – it signals intimacy for them, it makes them feel loved, it’s a stress release for them. I didn’t always get this, until I noticed just how much more relaxed about everything my husband is when it’s regular! And it brings us closer, it truly does. And for me, I know I wasn’t brought up to think of sex as a good thing – there was so much taboo about it. I had to, and still am, learning that sex with my husband is a really good thing that has nothing bad about it whatsoever. And liking it – loving it – is a great thing.

    Just like we prioritize other things, prioritizing sex is something we should do. Do you take time to tell your husband you love him everyday? Try to commit to sex at least once a week.

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  8. LaToya you’re completely right; it’s so important for them for the reasons you listed, and it’s also important for us, too, for physical and emotional reasons. And yes–sex creates intimacy, which is necessary for a healthy marriage.

    As far as being a sex kitten, or otherwise, authenticity is the name of the game. Be who you be! I do think, however, that there’s a lot of pressure on women to be someone they’re not. A lot of women are made to feel like something is wrong with them if their sex drive is not equal to their husband’s, or if they don’t want to play the role of kitten (which can have “I’m only here to please the man” undertones to it). Another problem is that the duty of maintaining a healthy sex life is dumped on women on top of everything else they’re asked to do, and when they’re too tired to perform, the response is “shame on you for not fulfilling your obligations to your husband.” Or, shame on you for not making this worthy of a sex tape. You know, it doesn’t have to be crazy to be good.

    There was a flap over a female viagra-type pill a couple of weeks back. I have no opinion on whether such a pill is needed, but I am sickened by the marketing ploys of the pharma companies pushing the pill. They send out guides to doctors, describing scenarios of woman with no interest in sex. One of the scenarios was of a married woman with 3 kids, who also worked full-time, was responsible for most of the housework, and–here’s the kicker–was also taking care of a sick parent. And she wasn’t interested in sex. No lie, the guide suggested to the doctor that such a woman be evaluated for “sexual dysfunction.” WTF?

    The woman doesn’t need an evaluation; she needs a VACATION! She needs help from her husband in cleaning the house, maybe a nanny to help watch her kids, and and live-in nurse for her sick parent! Maybe after she gets a break, and gets an opportunity to give to herself outside of the bedroom, she might be willing to give to her husband inside the bedroom. And that’s the problem I’m talking about.

    Finally, I agree about prioritizing sex. We have to commit to things that we believe are important, even if it means scheduling it. It may undermine spontaneity, but that’s okay if it ensures that we don’t give away that precious time to other people who will surely demand it if given a chance.

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