7:11 pm Pacific Time. 2nd floor Stanford Law Library. 3rd row carrel.
It’s packed in here. Exams start tomorrow. I’ve been here since 1:30, taking a 4 hour practice exam. It was hard – the first question said it would only take 60 minutes, but it took me 90. That was evil. Stressful. I’m done. No more. I know what I know.
Two weeks ago I told you I was going to try to kill my superwoman. I don’t know how I did because the time has just moved so fast that two weeks ago already feels like tomorrow. It’s finals time. Finals suck.
Did I offend you with that post? I worry that I did but I hope I didn’t. I really wasn’t trying to say how great I was, although I suppose it came off that way. We all fall down. I’m really trying to become “thoroughly unimpressed with myself.” Seriously. Nothing I do or am is because of anything I’ve done…I know that. I was more trying to make a point about how not loving me, taking care of me, cherishing me, simply being….me is killing me as I love, care, cherish everyone else because I wanted to impress you. You the world. How foolish of me.
Do you get it? I shouldn’t care, but I do.
Friday at church a woman had a CD release concert. She has a voice of an (alto) angel. I cried so hard that night. I laid it all out on that altar. I just fell on my knees and bowed my head and surrendered. All I have, everything I am, I laid it down. It felt like hours, but was only minutes, but I prayed for God’s will. And I prayed that his will not be my current circumstances. I killed my superwoman, but I haven’t replaced her with anything yet. I’m waiting, cause I don’t want just any ole body to show up, a lesser version of her, a mini-me.
I’m surrendered. I’m waiting for the Spirit to replace that Superwoman with an anointed version, an upgrade, LaToya 2.0. And while religion may be the opiate of the masses and was used to enslave my ancestors, I’m not trying to be trite when I say I don’t care. I do, because I’m there, I’m suffering, and I’m holding on to it so that I don’t fall. And I’m broken, in a million little pieces, but I’m here.
I can understand. I can understand when it feels like you have nothing left to live for how that praise song gets in you and holds you up just until you regain your strength to make it through the day. I can understand how just repeating the mantra of “Jesus” can get you up in the morning, into the shower, on with your clothes and able to face the day with a strength you feel in your bones is not your own and you are so thankful for it. I can understand being afraid of what’s before you and not knowing what’s going to happen but being comforted by the feeling that the Spirit has your back so worry can take a back seat. I know.
For the first time in my life, I’ve gone a year without a major depressive episode. Some anxiety, but that’s under control. A door closed, gently, cautiously. But now I’m having trouble eating. One door closes, another opens. I had pink eye and my eye hurts. One door closes, another opens. One of my best friends is graduating and leaving. Open. Family is coming for the holidays. Open. My dissertation proposal needs to be defended. Open. I’m interviewing for an internship. Open. I need to register for kindergarten. Open. I want to start them in gymnastics. Open. They need to go to the dentist. Open. So many open doors that I want to slam shut.
SLAM SHUT.
Deep breath returns me back to here and now. Leaving here now, I need to go to the supermarket. Hubby didn’t buy anything to drink when he went to the market earlier, and I’m growing kefir grains that need milk. Have a blessed week.
CocoaMamas 
I hear you sister. Have a majorly blessed exam week too.
I only survived the year I got married — way back in 1994, last year of college, working part-time, big strike in the university almost postponing semester end & completely ruining wedding plans — because I surrendered it all. I was generally an anxious mess of a person, a nervous wreck, but for those months that preceded my wedding I was at peace. 100%. Faith is wonderful, the best medicine there is. Too bad so many people refuse to use it.
Someday I want to meet you in person, that’s for sure!
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Wow ‘Toya. GOOOD FOR YOU! Letting go feels free, doesn’t it?!?! And if anything tries to crawl back in without your say-so…. KICK IT OUT! I know how you feel and I am re-writing my programming so that I only do what I can and leave the rest to life, the world, other people, whomever. My life is not a trashcan for everyone else’s messes! LOL! And I am so excited for you in this post. xoxo
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Latoya,
I get it. I understand. I wasn’t offended. I actually just read your Killing Superwoman post last night. I was impressed by the greatness that your “Superwoman” has helped you accomplish and empathetic because of the damage done to your body, in the process. I am proud that you are willing to share your journey with us. I feel enlightened and like we are connected, somehow. Tonight, I am glad to read that you’ve laid your “Superwoman” to rest. I have been trying to do the same for last few months as depression and anxiety weigh me down. For now, I just have my cape hanging way back in the closet out of some foolish fear that those around me will need me to put it back on soon. Still the essence of my “Superwoman” is dying, she requires more energy than I have to give. It took me 27 years, surviving abuse, the loss of my father to cancer last year, my mom’s diagnosis and treatment this year, earning 2 degrees w/ plans for a 3rd, “running away” from and now returning home after 9 years plus a host of other issues to bring me to this point. I can’t anymore. I must surrender.
I applaud you for laying it all on the altar. It takes a lot to truly surrender. I’m overjoyed that you have a church home and a faith that leaves you feeling restored. My faith has been my saving grace, as well.
I’m thinking, though, you may not need a replacement for your “Superwoman”. You “two” have always been one person. As you continue to set goals for yourself and your family, the doors to attaining them will open. The skills needed to successfully pass through them shall appear, just as you need them. One at a time. As they always have. I’m learning that all those things that I thought I had been doing alone, by way of my “Superwoman” (from the achievements through the near failures), I wasn’t. I’ve always had help! My Savior has been walking with me and He carries me when I feel too weak to take another step. When insomnia keeps me up and busy most nights for 2 weeks straight, He gives me a week filled with nights where sleep comes out of, seemingly, nowhere to knock me on my behind and force me to be still. I surrender. When I feel alone, He directs me to a post like yours, to remind me that I am not.
As long as you believe in Him, He will continue to renew your strength.
Best of luck on your finals! Ironically, my pastor’s sermon this week was titled: “It’s Going to be Alright”. It sounds like it already is. Here’s to many more open doors and the faith strength to keep walking through them. You are not alone, sis!
Be encouraged. Stay blessed.
~CJP
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I love your posts, Latoya. You put in to words what so many of us feel but are not willing to admit . Some of us are not that clear about our inner struggles, we just feel as if we are spinning out of control but cannot articulate what it is . Your honesty and clarity give insight to many of us.
I have learned to surrender but I have to say that I have to remember the lesson over and over. I wish the process was done once for all. I need to revisit my surrendering attitude on a daily basis.
Yes , replacing anxiety and fear with faith in a loving Higher Power is the key.
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